It’s weird getting older.

In my head, I’m still feeling the same as I did when i was 24, 25. But I’m 35,36. In a weird way, I must actively shed the parts of myself that were 24, 25 (that were there then and still rampant now) physically, mentally, emotionally … in order to evolve into this next phase of my life. I used to think all that growing up just happens naturally. Instead, it’s actually an active process. I must choose to want to grow up. I must choose to take charge of my life. Perhaps that’s what all my escapism was all about, and everyone else too. To make a living doing what you love is a dream in the clouds, and when you say something like that to somebody who survived in Vietnam during the Vietnam War, or the 80 and 90s of Korea like Mom/Dad did, just anybody who’s been through real poverty, they all know reality is not that naive. To make a living doing something remotely “fun” and “enjoyable” is a pipe dream for 99.99% of people.

BUT what you are not wrong about as a dreamer pursuing your vision is that it’s not enough to consider it just a fun hobby but instead your life calling for the rest of your life. How you balance that pursuit is up to you totally.

To go back to life

When I go back to the Source, I will be part of every life. I will be the microbes in someone’s gut. I will be in the air. I will be the yeast. I will be the insect. I will be the birds. I will be the plants. I will be the trees. I will be in the soil. I will be in the animals. I will be in you. You will be in me. In the form of friends and allies living small inside of you. Katie has always been inside me too. In the form of memory neurons. In the form of her songs still ringing my ears. In the form of her remaining drawings. In the form of all that she has taught me that’s attributed to her. In the form of all the novels whe wrote for me and all the puzzles she stimulated me with.

Hopefully my friends will remember me that way too. In the jokes that I made them laugh. Hopefully you will remember me that way.

That way, I am already in everybody else. You are already in me. We are just experiencing life as our own separate entities until we die … a very temporary journey.

To return to a tree

I feel serene today.

When I die, I would love to be reborn as a tree.

Trees keep on giving and nurturing everyone and everything around them. They become one with life. They are life.

Apparently all bacteria, plants and animals have a common ancestor. LUCA. Last Universal Common Ancestor.

Weird how some of us evolved into this human form with intellect and some into plants and some into airborne bacteria … so peculiar.

comedy helps us move past pain

I wonder if a lot of other youths nowadays share the same pain as I did. Not enough enriched environment around them, even now … laughter helps us forget about the pain and loneliness even for that one hour of open mic, we are together despite the conflicts and etc. 

Perhaps it’s even more severe with digital media, digital games, digital addictions and more parental discourse too … maybe a lot of us are really the same inside the comedy scene.

Parable of the Apple

I once had the best apple in the world. It tasted better than anything else in the world. It could cure you of all ailments. It could give you ever-lasting life and wisdom. I wanted to give it away, as a present.

I tried to give it away to a traveling foreigner. He said he didn’t like me. He said he didn’t want it. He said he doesn’t accept strange gifts from strangers. And there he went.

I tried to give it away to a bar maiden. She said she is okay for now. She said she would not like to try apple and prefers bananas instead. She lived the rest of her life on bananas only. She never got to learn the taste of apples.

I tried to give it away to a young boy. He bit into it and didn’t like the taste of it. He said he’s tasted better fruits before. The apple was too tart for him, too weird. He left. He never found a better fruit later.

I tried to give it away to a sophisticated professor. She took a few bites and appreciated the apple but she said she was afraid of it. “If I taste the best apple in the world now, I would be dissatisfied with other apples for the rest of my life!” She had a point.

I finally cut up the apple into little pieces and blended them all into a juice. I poured the juice into a nearby river. All animals, deers, elephants, lions, cheetahs, birds, alligators, goats, horses, you name it … came to drink from the river. Soon, the river became a popular oasis for animals.

“Wow, this must be an amazing oasis here. The animals love it!” the crowd murmured.

But I tried to give you my apple before. You didn’t want it. Only nature could appreciate what I was doing.

But at least I released it into the river. I’m glad I didn’t give up.

The End.

Mental Health Awareness Month

I had always been ashamed of my paranoia, anxiety and depression. But the same brain that’s prone to paranoia, anxiety and depression is the same brain that’s capable of being creative, divergent thinking, less filters, out-of-the-box thinking and imagination in storytelling … similar to certain autistic individuals who show talent in other aspects of life and the arts.

Of course if you don’t maintain your mental health properly, you will become not functional in daily life with all these problems. But with age, wisdom and life experiences, I believe you can gradually train your fragile brain to become better and better, more and more stable, instead of falling victim to its negative aspects all the time.

If you learn to tame your mental demons, you can then leverage them for good … and for creativity. It’s a blessing and a curse.

Advice from Kobe from Heaven

What I’ve learned in my life after my last basketball game in NBA. 

The lesson I cherish the most is … how important it is to Love what you do.

If you love what you do and is making you happy, 

All that hard work and perseverance will pay off

If you know you are truly giving it your all, there’s no greater feeling in the world.

There was a guidance counselor that once told me I should stop playing basketball that it will never amount to anything.

Well, I took his advice. I took it and I used it to become the best basketball player I can be.

His negativity towards me made me stronger.

You cannot stop others from trying to limit your dreams. But you can stop it from becoming a reality.

Your dreams are up to you.

I encourage you, to always be curious, always seek out the things you love, 

and always work hard once you find it.

Please know that I’m thinking of you, supporting you and encouraging you always.

LeBron James writes he's 'heartbroken and devastated' after Kobe Bryant's death

Peace.

Creating our own ultimate freedom.

All this senseless competition … will never stop. Ultimately you need to go find your own tribe.

A few friends I had back 10 years ago told me getting passed into one big club doesn’t mean anything because she can’t get consistent work there regularly. You still have to keep hustling, keep putting yourself out there, and find your tribe any way possible. If you can create your own fanbase, you can go anywhere and do anything. You will truly be free.